My parents are celebrating a rare achievement in today’s world as they mark their 50th year of marriage together. It can be compared to those that conquer great mountains or complete grueling triathlons in its commitment and difficult patches except that those events are transitory in nature and a marriage is a daily event. It is also comparable to the contented feeling of coming home as the love of one another IS home regardless of the setting. Marriage is an enigma in that it is both at times a grueling contest of endurance mixed with a sense of great peace and comfort knowing that some things in this life are certain; that is the unconditional love of the partner and sense of a secure place in this world.
When I think of my parent’s marriage from the perspective of my history with them- 49 years out of their 50 – I think of the elements that allowed them this great achievement and ultimate overcoming victory:
First and foremost: unconditional love and commitment to their vows. True, there were times we wished they weren’t so committed when they were traversing rough patches, but they never give up on each other…
Secondly, serving each other adds to their success. Dad spoils her in little ways to this day…coffee in bed, a gardenia picked fresh from the garden every Sunday when we lived in Bakersfield, CA when they were in season and given her to wear to church…Mom always thinks of his needs and makes provision for them. I saw his breakfast laid out when he had to leave the house at 4a.m. to fly his crop dusting plane. His clothes were always in order, handkerchiefs ironed… This service to one another translated to us kids, teaching us to respect and honor each parent. They first taught by example then expected us to do the same.
Thirdly, my parents invested in each other to achieve their highest and best self and they do to this day. Sometimes it was an active investment like when they both agreed to join Toastmasters, and sometimes behind the scenes. Always these investments held the element of prayer: building qualities, character and achievements into one another’s lives by the power of vision and committed prayer.
They simply choose to keep believing in one another, even in times when most would move on. When one was too weak to work on their life, the other’s commitment to see them through to victory created that victory. Their maturity and Christian example is the result of each partner working with God and each other in a persistent, committed fashion. They pray for one another many times a day, and they both pray for their growing family. We have witnessed the melding of two people into one flesh with Christ.
They cultivated a sense of humor to counter the inevitable daily irritations. When fighting did erupt, they cultivated and practiced forgiveness and forgetfulness. I don’t see bitterness, grudge holding, bringing up past failures to each other in my parent’s lives. They aren’t perfect, but they are always trying.
Life is often in the little things. My dad would say in the presence of us kids, “Your mother has the best legs….” He’d swoop her up in his arms and kiss her hard right in front of us. We knew our place with them both. They were first and we were second. We got security knowing that the house had the right pecking order. (pardon the pun!) We watched them stay slim and attractive for one another their whole lives. The general physical state in which they fell in love was maintained their whole marriage. Mom understood about women being “the glory of man” and taught us to keep our figure and take time to freshen up before the man of the house comes home. In that act alone, we were demonstrated the honoring of one another. They make each other feel seen, known, loved, honored and special.
Mom and dad are both hard workers to this day and they passed that work ethic on to us kids. It’s served us well. They also taught us to love God, nature, to care for the birds, to find peace in the Redwood forests or beaches as we were taken a few weekends a month for picnics to “our hill” or other remote places. Our family didn’t focus on fun and we rarely had formal vacations or dinners out. But we had this natural balance of hard work and restoration in nature.
In retrospect, one of the biggest things that creates success in their marriage besides their intense loyalty and commitment to each other is the fact that mom lets dad be the head of the house. She is a very strong accomplished woman who has the power to challenge his authority. They are both strong individuals, but someone has to lead…She practiced deferring to him and taught us the same. Even when he was dead wrong and she knew it, she turned to prayer and let God handle it. She has made it clear that he is the spiritual leader of our home. Consequently, they have been greatly blessed as they live out their lives flowing in the order God ordained.
It hasn’t always been comfortable being a part of them working out their marriage. Sometimes I personally wished they’d have thrown in the towel. But at this 50th year junction we can look back and see clearly the elements that allowed our family to remain intact when so many fail. They are a shining example of creating a life individually that grows in its surrender to God and a shining example of melding into One Flesh with God at the center of this mysterious Union called Marriage.
We salute their persistence, their patience and determination to hold fast to their word. We take pleasure in witnessing love and appreciation growing stronger between them daily. They are the epitome of valiant and victorious overcomers and an example to us all, by the grace and power of God.
