Staying Aligned With the Matrix

Some years ago I wrote about creating my Matrix- the core around which I keep my life centered, balanced and productive.  The Matrix is what stands if every single thing was stripped away, and would still ensure a rich, deep and meaningful life. The Matrix means I can lose my family, my health, my home, my businesses and I can still be productive, useful and have a rich, meaningful life. I can say this because it’s rooted within- in the Adytum- the secret place of the heart where there are no doors that open to that sanctuary as it’s entered into by the door of the human spirit.

Rembrandt's "Philosopher in Meditation"

We were in Zihuatanejo, Mexico on an Optometry continuing education trip several years ago. I had the mornings to myself to walk the quiet beach- only a few net fishermen out,  and then come back to write while Donn was getting smarter in 4 hours of class daily. This was the beach that had a crocodile lounging at one end with its baby, and there were snakes that swam with me in the water. No wonder it was fairly deserted! The croc was bad enough, but imagine my surprise finding those “octopuses” were snakes (I need some new snorkel gear evidently)…Leopard snakes- non-poisonous, so I swam as the water was addicting and warm. And yes, I’d do it again….

On off-time under the warm Mexican sun, Donn had been working on books that discussed the concept of the glory of God- that WE are God’s glory and that it is the whole purpose of man;  “the chief end of man”- to glorify God by our life and our words of praise, appreciation and gratitude. That is the essence of a life: To glorify our Creator.

It’s not enough to have been a good wife, although that’s part of it. It’s not to have been a good mother, but that’s part of it.  It’s not to have started and run successful businesses, although that’s a part of it. It’s not to have volunteered hours of time and energy to a non-profit, but that’s a part of it…It’s not to have loved each guest that came our way, but that’s part of it…

If each of those things (identities) were stripped away, I could still create a life of deep value and meaning by appreciating God and living in ways that brought pleasure to Him and consequently increasing unity with Him by living in those ways that make Him happy.

We’d been talking about this concept on this vacation and the concept of creating our own Matrix – or core values -emerged. In other words, if everything was stripped away, as is happening to one of my friends right now who lost his home of 15 years in prime real estate territory, then went bankrupt, only to then lose his wife - what matters after all that? Can there still be meaning to life or do we just throw in the towel and ‘off’ ourselves figuring we’ve nothing at all to live for?  

Out of the center Matrix springs forth all other pursuits and directions of our lives. God is at the center for me, and next, one another and family and then our ‘selves’. From there our businesses and charity focuses where we spend time and money serving. Because Donn and I both have chosen a path of service for our professions, business and charity work are really all lumped together into a path of love and service.

That is a vastly trimmed down synopsis. Each area has a list that correlates- for instance it expands like this:  God is at the center of the Matrix (if I lost everything I would still have this Constant). I desire to know Him, love Him (glorify Him) with all my heart, mind and soul, to do His will, to be called ‘His friend’ with great intimacy, to walk with Him, to use my gifts, talents and prayer in wise stewardship.

Each area of my Matrix gives details in an expanded fashion about how I intend to express that core influence in how I want to live my life with intention, purpose and firm direction with my spouse, self, family and business/community/World service. Having a concept is meaningless unless we find ways to live it out in our lives.

Jackie and Kat, One Year Post Terminal Cancer Diagnosis for  My Overcoming Sister

When my sister received her diagnosis of terminal cancer (double breast to liver to bone) in 2011 that gave her 3 weeks to live- a diagnosis she is overcoming even now a year later, I wrote the following thoughts that evening when the news was fresh and my heart was torn open. My dad was in the hospital at the same time and it appeared both would die soon. Writing this piece- not poetry really but with the insight of poetry – helped me to see the end game very clearly and what mattered when our time was suddenly ‘up’.

My friend and mentor always says, “Start from the end result and work backwards, prioritizing as you go…” The Matrix does just that and when I begin to lose my way, veer off course, divert from my life’s path, lose my focus and intensity- I return to the Matrix, my North Star, My ‘Constant’ in a World of constant change and I am back on track again.

 It is so easy to get off center, isn’t it? It is a slow drift into ineffectiveness or passivity or impotence where we once were powerful. Our lives are still good. They just aren’t great.  There’s nothing like a disaster, or several, or a ‘hard word’  like “you have terminal cancer and have three weeks to live” to snap you back to what the real meaning and purpose of your time on this Earth is. This is my mentor’s concept in action…whittling Life with all its busyness and demands and fatigue back down to the Core- the Matrix.

The Vibration of Death

When our vitality fades

When our spark struggles to stay alight

Will anything matter but the Matrix*?           

“World power means nothing

Only the unsayable jeweled inner life matters” (Rumi)

And how we’ve loved, cared for and supported others.

What we leave them of lands, houses and possessions

Crumble in the hands as a phantom.

The imperishable soul Jewels set into the clasp of our heart

Are the rainbow of their vibration, light and transcendence that endure forever.

Train yourself to raise yourself to the vibration of death…

The intense, deep, penetrating march toward Reality

Will ground you into the fertile soil of that Truth

That All is illusion, distraction…except Love.

And the wise among us are those who know Focus.

Train yourself to number your days.

Accept that “it is always later than you think”.

Take action now, do not delay.

One strong word can remove your options in a moment’s time.

*(My matrix is the core – Glorifying God -around which my life revolves)

We can determine our Matrix, or not. We can choose to reference back continually to it, or not. We can live our lives with focus and steely determination, or not. We have control by the power of our choice. And to express a non-choice, in other words, assuming we’ll live forever and never taking time to make this time on Earth worthwhile eternally, is of course ours to choose too.

Personally, I’ve always lived with an urgency taking nothing for granted about my longevity- not good genes or bad, not insurance lifespan tables for healthy non-smoking women - nothing is assumed. I do my part, and I do it very well, in the stewardship of my temple/body and that is all I can do.

My lovely grandmother died after predicting her own death in a very casual statement, “If I live another year” in her diary at age 36. At age 37 she died of melanoma in her leg in an era of not showing legs to the sun. She was the mother of 7; her youngest just 2 months old when she died. Who would’ve written the story of her life that way? We can’t assume anything but only prepare by living backwards.

Were my life to end today I can say that I fulfilled my Matrix and my life has been profitable to God because I recognized early on He needed relationship with me and I gave myself – control of my life -to Him unreservedly. I found out what He wanted and I gave it to Him as we do in any good love relationship. We want to make the other One happy. And as I look at my life…He reciprocates so well…

But really, He gave Himself to me first. My favorite Psalm is 139. I had a rough start in life. He was there, protecting me, when I was just an embryo in my mother’s womb. Someone has set this Psalm to You Tube with visuals: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TddCILTWNr8   It’s a little slower than I’d have done it, but still the visuals bring it home to me.   I still happen to like the words of King David much better and have much of it memorized now but the video was nice too because we were all that embryo once- hard to imagine we will go from that to…end game thus, the Matrix.

As we evolve through our various phases of life, if it is to have meaning, we must determine to be concentrated in our affinities, to stay true to the course that is our own Matrix and when we deviate from our true Path revisit our Matrix as though we were the One to receive the strong, horrible words, “You have three weeks to live.”

Along the way, we can continue to open our heart to Love. Matrixes have a way of being self-limiting in some respects. We’ve met those people. The word “legalist” comes to mind. What a turn off.  They seem unbalanced. Maybe that’s why Paul told the Corinthians that if we don’t come from heart, from a place of love, then it’s all meaningless babble and distortion.  Find your Matrix and infuse it with heart and you will live a life of meaning.

Let me leave you with this, written before the Matrix experience or before the Vibration of Death thoughts. It’s really all about what fuels our life~ the Matrix.

POSSESSION

POSSESSION

It’s not what we possess that is of value
But the energies, the passion that possess us-

The drive for beauty and creation….
The quest for knowledge and wisdom………..
The growing path of understanding and compassion…….
The acts of love we are a witness and a channel to…………………

Surrendering to these forces of perpetual, eternal value
That they may possess us greater still.

Kat Carroll

"When the saintly Brother Lawrence (Practicing the Presence of God fame) was dying, somebody asked him what he was doing. Without hesitation Brother Lawrence simply said, "I'm just doing what I've been doing for 40 years and expect to be doing throughout eternity,"
"What's that?" the person inquired.
"Worshiping God."
As far as Brother Lawrence was concerned, dying was secondary, just an item on his agenda. His occupation (Matrix) was worshiping God above and before all other things. Facing death did not change that.