The Care and Feeding of the Spirit

Weekends come and go and we haven’t done anything. Haven’t taken the kayaks out, or dusted the cobwebs off the mountain bikes to hit the trails. It begins to feel like all we do is work at the office, and then come home to work at Adytum, our supposed “Sanctuary”.

“Would you like to go kayaking now”, Donn asks after we both cap off a new walkway with a Moon Gate metal arch and flagstone pathway cutting through what will soon be lawn. Ryan, the eldest Carroll son, created the idea in me to connect a new path he cut through a dense group of young crooked willow trees with the Moon Gate arch and stepping stones.

Ryan’s imagination and fresh thinking made a natural path where it was most needed and now it is a silent invitation off the courtyard patio to the Koi and bog ponds below. Since the lake is the obvious draw, this move on his part creates a sense of suspense and mystery despite the enormous competition of the incredible view…. To top it off, visible through the arch of the moon gate is a stone bench in the distance that beckons one to another viewpoint through the woods.Creating this drama is everything I’ve learned watching every single episode of Gardens of the Trust, and he knew it instinctively…

Just as iron sharpens iron, creativity and fresh thinking in one sparks it in another. Years from now, we will all remember how this came about where there was once just forest and brush. There is a latent power in our creative acts, but they must be brought to the surface and not simply remain as ideas…

Answering Donn, “No actually this was good. It was just what I wanted to do today even though I know I said we need to have fun… now I’m ready to relax – inside.” Our old definitions of weekends, of activities we do on weekends to make them feel like we had one, are changing.

I watch Donn, at 61, creating beauty inside of form and function. It reminds me of seeing the concrete stairs he laid at 18 through his mother’s sloping lawn. His work still stands even though the house has now been sold. For me to have seen his youthful work was a blessing. When Ryan reflects in his 90’s that his pathway was made by hand, hewing a space for a flight of fiddlewood maple steps out of rocky earth, he will feel the same sense of delight that his creative acts live on.

I am redefining what weekends mean now, in my late 40’s. I need to create beauty and order in our Sanctuary more than I need to discover a new hiking trail or bounce over old roots on forest single track on my bike. It’s not that I’ve lost interest in those things, but fleshing out Adytum’s secret places and desires to “become” are far more compelling now than how I used to spend weekend hours.

When we get tired of it all, someone will come to spur us on and remind us why we are creating from a live palette. We are sculptors and painters from nature, working in our studio on this sacred hill surrounded by water music, birdsong and woodland beauty so intense we lose ourselves in it. The lake sparkles and we catch occasional sounds of revelers on their jet skis or water skiers. But we desire to leave the car in the garage, to work awhile, to sit under Adytum’s signature orange umbrella on the deck and simply watch. Then, refreshed, we are back to creating; sculpting with shovels and painting with a gloved hand in the soil.

In the space of a month, we have sod, courtesy again of Ryan. We have planted half a dozen Japanese maples of intriguing varieties, not the run of the mill nursery stock. We have witnessed the completion of recaulking the house, which necessitated repainting it. We have the concrete finally 100% done, including what I will always refer to as “The Courtyard of God” because it was He who gave the design at the 11th hour with the concrete truck on the way. I’ll never forget the contractor, Mark, taking a step back, chin in hand pondering the suggestion proposed to create symmetry by matching the seated planter box on one side of the French door patio with another instead of just laying the typical little pad at the door as he planned. I distinctly recall excusing myself for a minute “to feed the birds” because something just didn’t feel right about his plan. I’m no architect but I listen to my gut. “God”, I asked quietly as I walked to the feeder, “what do You want there? Oh, and God, we’re out of money….” Instantly, He flashes the answer in my mind in the form of the picture that we now know as our Courtyard of God.

Mark loved the idea and, in a strange act that I felt was not often performed, he said, “I’m just going to throw it in because you’ve done so much with me…” Inside, I am beaming at these words. Not only God’s design, but fully paid for by some heavenly account. I quietly pray for Mark to be blessed…

God has created much of the house because we involved Him, asked Him continually and deferred when His choice was different than ours. I have many stories of His decorating prowess, but for today as children in His household, I realize how much like our Father we are. He didn’t stop creating on the 7th day. He is creating now, through those that “have an ear” and in those that allow themselves to be shaped by His potter’s hand He creates growth and potential. Can you imagine how it feels to inhabit a sacred space that He has had so much involvement in?

If you read the Old Testament at all, you will see how precise He has proven Himself in the past in creating temples and sanctuaries. He is detailed to minutiae and will put any good designer to instant shame; not because that’s his desire, but because He’s just so incredibly spot on. He has the eye. He has the touch. And since we are His blood, so do we! It feeds our spirits to create. It is when I feel my happiest...

So weekends that used to be defined by relaxation away from home are now giving way to relaxation being delivered at home through creating beauty. Hard work? Yes. Exhausting and grimy? Oh yes. But somehow, our spirits are fed every bit as well as if we were deep in the forest discovering waterfalls and reveling in nature’s purity and innocence.

Maybe it’s because we never really took ownership of Adytum. We know we are but stewards and caretakers, much like the Native Americans, even though our name is on the deed, the garden is God’s. We nurture her and encourage her into coming into her own now, and she will nurture us in turn later in her maturity.

In my own maturity, I am learning that things change. Definitions change. Ideas change. Just as Ryan cut a fresh path in an area I would never have considered cutting one, I must cut new paths into old habit patterns and ways of being. Just because weekends in the first decade of our marriage involved “away” doesn’t mean that, halfway through our second decade it has to mean the same thing.

My friend, Jerry, would call that being a “realist”. “If the winds change,” he says, “adjust your sails!” In other words, stop fighting life. It might surprise us to know that when we do, the greatest satisfaction comes rushing in just in an unexpected form.

We are discovering how very much we need to create. Monet had his canvas. Hart, his sculptor’s tools and studio and chunk of bronze. Other’s had the makings of famous cathedrals which stand today as a testament to man’s creative genius. Donn, I and others serve here at Adytum creating a Spiritual Retreat out of virgin forest land where arrow heads of obsidian still allow themselves to be unearthed from time to time. Working the land into garden rooms, ponds, walks and vista spots revitalizes us. How she does it, we don’t have a clue. Give to the land and she gives back to us fulfilling us like a weekend in the sun at a far off locale.

God is here. He’s been invited and His angels. This land is truly our bit of heaven on planet earth. We’re all in it together, making a garden and a place of peace. Even the animals feel it. “Donn, do you know I have a squirrel that likes me to water him? And some hummingbirds who call all their friends to play in the spray when they see me out watering the garden?” He laughs. Some call it Snow White’s garden where fawns come in close to nibble on the new grapevines…Well, there’s always next season for grapes...

For this season, before we put the land to a long winter’s rest, I am going to appreciate the refreshment these weekends spent working the land and sculpting her into a landscape worthy of a fine Monet. I am appreciating all the souls who have come to give labor here, and know they left with full heart and a mysterious spring in their spirit despite bodily fatigue. There is a hierarchy in the complex of body, mind and spirit. I think I am discovering the care and feeding of the spirit in these weekends at home.

ELEMENTS OF A SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP On the occasion of my parents’, Wayne and June Edwards, 50th anniversary July 17, 2009.

My parents are celebrating a rare achievement in today’s world as they mark their 50th year of marriage together. It can be compared to those that conquer great mountains or complete grueling triathlons in its commitment and difficult patches except that those events are transitory in nature and a marriage is a daily event. It is also comparable to the contented feeling of coming home as the love of one another IS home regardless of the setting. Marriage is an enigma in that it is both at times a grueling contest of endurance mixed with a sense of great peace and comfort knowing that some things in this life are certain; that is the unconditional love of the partner and sense of a secure place in this world.

When I think of my parent’s marriage from the perspective of my history with them- 49 years out of their 50 – I think of the elements that allowed them this great achievement and ultimate overcoming victory:

First and foremost: unconditional love and commitment to their vows. True, there were times we wished they weren’t so committed when they were traversing rough patches, but they never give up on each other…

Secondly, serving each other adds to their success. Dad spoils her in little ways to this day…coffee in bed, a gardenia picked fresh from the garden every Sunday when we lived in Bakersfield, CA when they were in season and given her to wear to church…Mom always thinks of his needs and makes provision for them. I saw his breakfast laid out when he had to leave the house at 4a.m. to fly his crop dusting plane. His clothes were always in order, handkerchiefs ironed… This service to one another translated to us kids, teaching us to respect and honor each parent. They first taught by example then expected us to do the same.

Thirdly, my parents invested in each other to achieve their highest and best self and they do to this day. Sometimes it was an active investment like when they both agreed to join Toastmasters, and sometimes behind the scenes. Always these investments held the element of prayer: building qualities, character and achievements into one another’s lives by the power of vision and committed prayer.

They simply choose to keep believing in one another, even in times when most would move on. When one was too weak to work on their life, the other’s commitment to see them through to victory created that victory. Their maturity and Christian example is the result of each partner working with God and each other in a persistent, committed fashion. They pray for one another many times a day, and they both pray for their growing family. We have witnessed the melding of two people into one flesh with Christ.

They cultivated a sense of humor to counter the inevitable daily irritations. When fighting did erupt, they cultivated and practiced forgiveness and forgetfulness. I don’t see bitterness, grudge holding, bringing up past failures to each other in my parent’s lives. They aren’t perfect, but they are always trying.

Life is often in the little things. My dad would say in the presence of us kids, “Your mother has the best legs….” He’d swoop her up in his arms and kiss her hard right in front of us. We knew our place with them both. They were first and we were second. We got security knowing that the house had the right pecking order. (pardon the pun!) We watched them stay slim and attractive for one another their whole lives. The general physical state in which they fell in love was maintained their whole marriage. Mom understood about women being “the glory of man” and taught us to keep our figure and take time to freshen up before the man of the house comes home. In that act alone, we were demonstrated the honoring of one another. They make each other feel seen, known, loved, honored and special.

Mom and dad are both hard workers to this day and they passed that work ethic on to us kids. It’s served us well. They also taught us to love God, nature, to care for the birds, to find peace in the Redwood forests or beaches as we were taken a few weekends a month for picnics to “our hill” or other remote places. Our family didn’t focus on fun and we rarely had formal vacations or dinners out. But we had this natural balance of hard work and restoration in nature.

In retrospect, one of the biggest things that creates success in their marriage besides their intense loyalty and commitment to each other is the fact that mom lets dad be the head of the house. She is a very strong accomplished woman who has the power to challenge his authority. They are both strong individuals, but someone has to lead…She practiced deferring to him and taught us the same. Even when he was dead wrong and she knew it, she turned to prayer and let God handle it. She has made it clear that he is the spiritual leader of our home. Consequently, they have been greatly blessed as they live out their lives flowing in the order God ordained.

It hasn’t always been comfortable being a part of them working out their marriage. Sometimes I personally wished they’d have thrown in the towel. But at this 50th year junction we can look back and see clearly the elements that allowed our family to remain intact when so many fail. They are a shining example of creating a life individually that grows in its surrender to God and a shining example of melding into One Flesh with God at the center of this mysterious Union called Marriage.

We salute their persistence, their patience and determination to hold fast to their word. We take pleasure in witnessing love and appreciation growing stronger between them daily. They are the epitome of valiant and victorious overcomers and an example to us all, by the grace and power of God.

Editing

Walking the familiar paths over the labyrinth of Adytum’s 15 ¾ acres that has come from patient pruning, mowing and carting away to the compost piles, I ask God how much longer until we are ready for guests at Adytum? He often speaks on top of my thoughts. I think He does this so that I know there are two of us communing in the temple of my spirit. I can’t think two thoughts at once. I know His voice. He says, “soon, very soon”.

All my thoughts seem to focus on one point lately as we are four and a half years into our project: when will it be done? We expect concrete in a week and called in a truckload of topsoil today to lay down a lawn that will snug up against it.

All the other lawns here laid themselves down, so this one is a planned event with rock removal and grading involved. Donn handles that and I begin to work with what has evolved into a jungle; the tree plantation and planted beds.

Pacific Northwest rains, nurtured by a few hot days and exponential growth explodes. Late spring has that effect of putting a bit of stress on me in the attempt to stay at least a tiny bit ahead of it. I mowed grass today that was over my head as I sat high up in the tractor seat…then came to prune a large area we’ve been shaping under ancient Fir and Maple.

Now we’re in after a day of work on Adytum. How many days will it take to get her there- ready to invite others into the experience we cherish every day? As the end of the tunnel begins to be slightly illuminated we grow impatient. This has been a very long labor of love with other’s appreciation of the gift we’ve created for them ever in view. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of the B&B aspect of this sacred space…

Earlier this week, we returned from the Huntington Library and Gardens in California with great inspiration from a classical Chinese Garden. I took the pruning shears to all of our Japanese maples, as they had done at the gardens. We learned how to train the branches with wire, almost like creating a bonsai. Cutting off the lovely red branches of the Coral Bark Maple seemed a bit wasteful and a bit scary, but the end result was pure light and freeing up air to move within. It revealed the essence of the lovely young tree and its promise. Suddenly there was a new maturity and beauty that comes with age and experience in the trees. A sense they’d endured wind and rain and could actually stand tall in much worse. The blessing of sun and warmth evident in luxuriant delicate lace leaves.

I thought as I worked on tree after tree how much editing benefits us all; how the tasks we perform are a metaphor for our own lives. Why do we feel compelled to carry so much “dead wood” or wood that is simply not really contributing to the trajectory of our life which should be our chief end and matrix that will form the nucleus of our days?

We practice editing. We are giving away things daily to whoever seems to need them; an oak file cabinet today to our son who is a businessman in Nicaragua. Today we edit our meal, deciding we are too tired after all that work to really make a dinner and have apricots and nuts instead. Hopefully that will edit a bit of weight off the mid section.

When I work to shape the tree, tidying up the excess, I see in my mind’s eye what the finished product will look like in ten years and it excites me and animates me to push on even though I am tired. The potential released by my loving care, concern and vision is noteworthy.

God has pruned us lately, forcing us to pare down and focus time and energy on what adds to our core values and goals. We refine our time and place our energy directly to the things that last or bless others. Moses captured the essence of editing well when he recorded, “teach me to number my days so that I may present to Thee a heart of wisdom.”

I know our God sees our potential and gets excited about how helping us to leave off “dead wood” and less than important tasks and thoughts will create the masterpiece of a life He is aiming for. He is the penultimate gardener of the soul…

We know that less is more. When I release something, the thing I need comes in to fill its place with remarkable speed. Nature abhors a vacuum and seeks to refill itself. Editing simply prepares the way for more benefits and abundance with things appropriate for my need today as I change and grow more toward the perfection I am intended for.

I look to nature more and more for instruction as God speaks so clearly through Adytum just now. These lovely delicate maples will be living art- sculptures one day soon – which all those intended to come here will enjoy. My work this afternoon is a gift and it is a lesson. A gift to others. A gift to me from my Creator.

Editing is a way of life here, represented in nature. The way of nature is to pare down and live lean and to the core. We arrived home from our California trip to massive maple limbs that had self pared in a windstorm. All my lessons from Adytum this week are on paring down for that is the secret to more, to plenty. That is what I continually pray for as I realize we are stewards of this land, trying hard to multiply what God has given us and to care for it exceedingly well.

Editing releases the land of carrying excess “dead weight” and it releases me so that I create space to receive what I need for today. Cutting activities out of my day, purging my drawers so that order is achieved and maintained, giving away something daily that might be better enjoyed by someone else, eliminating thoughts that don’t lead to what I want…these are the things that God wants me to practice editing daily.
It isn’t like I didn’t already know it; agreeing to put extra effort to implementing the lesson is the goal. It is the path to more, and as we see from the Psalms 68 verse 19 ~ Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits…

Empty, edit, and make space for these benefits….

Birthday Wishes

I asked the Lord what He was going to give me for my 49th birthday this year and He said, “Peace”.
One year, I asked and He gave me “Joy”. It came in the form of my mountain bike and reconnecting with the sheer joy of flying down hills with the wind in my hair.
The word “peace” came so quickly into the ear of my mind that I could tell He’d been plotting what to surprise me with. It is the perfect gift so that I can truly relax and enjoy this awesome life He’s blessed me with.
The flip side of “peace” is “trust”. If I am to experience perfect peace, I am free of fear because of one thing: I trust implicitly.
From the all about God website, I see that the Lord is giving me each year more of the fruit of the Spirit:

Fruit of the Spirit - Visible Growth in Jesus Christ
"Fruit of the Spirit" is a biblical term that sums up the nine visible attributes of a true Christian life. Using the King James Version of Galatians 5:22-23, these attributes are: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance. We learn from scripture that these are not individual "fruits" from which we pick and choose. Rather, the fruit of the Spirit is one ninefold "fruit" that characterizes all who truly walk in the Holy Spirit. Collectively, these are the fruits that all Christians should be producing in their new lives with Jesus Christ.

This is so meaningful to me because I long to squeeze every ounce out of my experience here while I can; to “suck the marrow out of life” in a non vegetarian vernacular but vividly meaningful. He is giving me ways of achieving the desires of my heart.
If I end life fully endowed with the fruit of the Spirit, I will have gained all. Like the Apostle Paul says: "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" - Philippians 3:8
I am in a phase where God is blessing me with all things so Paul’s words aren’t an exact match for my experience. But his bottom line is: gaining Christ; which is at the core of my matrix.
As God continues to give me, year by year, a more complete understanding and possession of the fruit of the Spirit so that our union becomes stronger, deeper, and closer I will gain Christ, who is the Pearl of Great Price the Spirit of God is helping me to seek.

I want the words of my heart when I worship You

I want the words of my heart when I worship You
to be the mark I leave on this world.

I ask that my words of praise be recorded by an angelic scribe for all eternity
as King David’s words of praise will live forever in Your sight.
I thought today of how short life is as I feather dusted needlepoint pictures from a grandmother long dead.

“What mark will I leave?” I thought as I worked. I am nearing 50. A year away. ..Life here isn’t long at all, even if I live long I will be fortunate to reach my years of nearly 50 once again. 100 is not common really…”Teach me”, Moses said, “to number my days so I may present to Thee a heart of wisdom”. Well, I, Katherine, want to present a heart that knew You and loved You intensely. Praise, true love- like a man for a woman love…admiration, respect, awe….these things I want to present to Thee – plus a heart of wisdom….


I looked on my garden, which gives me such delight. It’s nothing compared to the great gardens in England; the ones that people travel the world to tour.
The greatest endeavors of man, like intricate English gardens, are soon relegated to the back burner as the new fascinates us, whatever the “new” is.
So I will bypass man and the thrill of the “new” altogether as I seek to leave my mark.

I will, instead, leave my mark for eternity with my voice.

I ask, God, that my words of praise be recorded.

You say we are judged by our word. So my word will be of praise.
When I look at my garden, and the delights it affords, I think I’d rather be here than anywhere on this sacred mountain called Adytum, The Sanctuary, that you have given as my home.

Looking at Your creation and the beauty, the intricacy of it all moves me from praise to tears of joy and appreciation. We both love making others happy, but You, Lord, have gone completely over the top in so doing…

Don’t think I don’t see it and know what You were thinking when You were busy creating all this for us, for me who love You so... I feel Your ancient joy. I see it now, the thoughts of love translated into beings. Plant beings. Bird beings. People and animal beings….

Your heart was full of love…IS full of love still for us and I see it, feel it, know it. I love you back Lord God with my whole heart, mind and spirit. I know You feel it too. I see Your smile. I see Your eyes…The eyes of the spirit have that ability to see into the spirit, as You so wisely enabled the enlightened to do.

I think of the Great Mind that created all this for my pleasure. How I love You for doing that. Giving me flowers everyday from spring to late autumn- that is the Lord that loves me and how You think.

And the beauty of them…the colors, the form, the variety and the ability to withstand cruel storms and still stand strong. Just amazing that You crafted them that way.
The birds…the gentle gray breasted doves, the cocky robins, the pheasant who has come to call this “home”, the shy nuthatch, the elegantly singing song sparrow and the feisty blue jay…countless colorful evening grosbeaks who wake the dawn in their praise of Your great Name. How they enchant me. I can sit for hours watching them. The great owl who precedes the dawn by an hour to give rise to his voice of praise to You.

All creation praises You, Great Father. Only man is unaware, unenlightened man….

The soft breezes lift the branch of the Elderberry, soon to bloom, so lightly that it appears to dance for You. The Grand Fir waves its arms in pure rejoicing. King David said they clapped their hands, and so they do, in time to unheard music. Only the evolved hear with the ears of the heart.

You are the breeze, the softness that caresses All in All. You are everywhere and inside of me, all at once….How I love You tonight.

Every day, Holy Spirit, praise God through me. I have no voice to speak of for singing…but I hear You praising God in my heart singing so beautifully….I know that one day, that perfection will come pouring out of my mouth in song…but for now, I am, as Rumi said, the reed for Your Breath.

There is nothing I can do in this world more important than appreciating the Magnificent One who created it, heaven and the world to come. You did it for us, for Your great pleasure. I am secure in Your love. I want You to feel mine and my respect, admiration and devotion.

It is the mark I will strive for ~ to leave the mark of one who knew God and praised Him.

If You do great things through me that bless and uplift mankind, so be it. But the greatest thing I will be remembered for in heaven throughout eternity, for my time on earth is this one thing:

Katherine loved God Almighty to the point of her voice of praise continually breaking into the heavens, joining with sacred angels in their worship and admiration and love of the One True God.

BLIND TRUST

I’ve been so driven to create my future; so actively involved in writing it out and imagining it, desiring it. I have mentally lived a dozen future lives in other countries, warmer climates, doing real estate development, or only writing and some swing trading, have less responsibility, no more…having multiple homes, then only a windswept cottage and next an Irish castle that is part B&B…In these creative dreams I’ve had no dogs, huge Irish wolfhounds and even horses again. The truth is any one of these lives would work.

My mind has been on a mission to know. My body is reflecting the pain of the tension of not knowing where to aim next in my creative process of actively sculpting my life. I am clearly not peace- full. We are in a fast moving stream of life. If we are not plunging forward we will be regressing, swept back only to have to regain ground once again. Right?

Lately, I question if all that active creation is indeed, “right”. I have a friend who chides me and encourages me to “only live in the now”. I argue that there are two sides to every coin; that he is failing to create his life actively and will have to be content with where the “now” takes him – if anywhere. They used to call this “drifting”. We all know many people whose lives appear no different than when we were involved in them a decade or more ago. What a waste, I think. We only have one life. To fail to actively create it and live it with a purposeful intensity is to have squandered the stewardship of our precious gift called “our life”.

The truth is there is a tenuous balance between living in the now and creating the future. The tightrope we balance upon is trust. There is a trust even deeper than the usual concept of trust. I call it “blind trust”. God shows me the source of my angst lately about which of these imagined “futures” I’ve drummed up mentally and then posted to the page as a possible focused pursuit is linked to a lack of trust…I feel like I don’t want to waste time so I want to know which one future dream to plan for and focus on. He wants me to relax, to trust life, to trust Him. I thought I did…

He shows me a mental image of the essence of blind trust. Jane Shanley, a childhood friend, and I are lying on our backs on a summer’s day on a picnic blanket in her front yard under the most immense Mulberry tree. I clearly recall this day. Our backs one with the earth, we looked up into the tree from the underside and saw it from a new perspective. The veins of each giant leaf stood out from long, sinuous branches as bright sunlight streamed through the tree to bathe us in patches of illumination below. We were 8 years old and I have never been wiser.

We were accustomed to living totally in the moment. No one had to teach us to trust. We didn’t even consider that “trust” might be needed in life or even what it was. We simply lived it like we breathed the warm summer air that day and knew the ground beneath the Mulberry wouldn’t fail to support us. It was unspoken fact and we took it completely for granted. I am learning that I had more figured out in my unknowing 8 year old heart than I do now at 48…just joy, just see, feel, be and do. Just live and share, laugh, move, rest….great wisdom resides in such simplicity of being; in the heart of a child.

God tells me this morning in this memory picture He drew up from my stores:

“This is blind trust. It is the deep trust of a child”.

Jane and I didn’t stress at age 8 worrying about life. Think of all we technically might have worried about….whether our parents would stay together and allow us to keep living side by side as good friends. Whether we would do well in school and the kids would be kind. Whether we’d make something of ourselves and become productive citizens. Whether we’d survive school at all, stay well, not be killed like so many kids are in high school after parties as they drove home drunk. Whether we’d be accepted at the college of our choice and if we’d know what to major in. Whether we would marry, have kids, be able to have kids….at age 8, all those decisions were really not so far off and most would have been life changing. We didn’t give them a moment’s thought. We just practiced living as a child.

As children, we were proficient in “blind trust”. We possessed a “wise old woman” type of knowing that we were just great as we were, doing exactly what was best and certainly not worrying about anything that was life changing. We just wanted to have fun, to play, to be happy. A few years later and magically this “blind trust” would begin to disappear and give way to concerns we never should have entertained bringing with them the accompanying friends, “worry and stress” that have somehow managed to survive to this day. The founding Fathers of the United States understood about pursuing “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” That last phrase, “pursuit of happiness” is becoming more of a focus to me. It makes more sense now than ever as I try to actively participate in creating my life, yet long to shed the stress of not knowing either where to actually put my efforts or if they will turn out at all…

Pablo Picasso said, “I spent the first half of life learning to be a man. I will spend the second half learning to be a child.”

God is asking me to return - in apparent regression yet actually rising to a higher level -into the blissful state of “blind trust”. It is the depth of trust that doesn’t even know trust is required because is just a given that He will take care of everything. The animals, who are often displaying a higher evolution, portray it more successfully than man. Their blind trust peeks out in play, even when circumstances would warrant some serious concern like an impending cold front or storm. It demonstrates itself in just plugging away at the task of the day, which for the animal world usually involves feeding, grooming or preening and resting. They don’t have to know how it will all turn out. They don’t live in fear that they will lose their life that day to a predator or freeze to death that night in extreme cold that most humans couldn’t bear. They just get busy doing what they can, and then trust which I think is another word for “live”.

When I am moving into angst because I am not feeling enough guidance to latch firmly onto the dreams I’ve recorded, when I don’t seem to have a way to sort through them to find the right ones, I am called to a little child’s practice of “blind trust”. God says into my heart’s ear, “Watch the birds. Learn from them. Live the life of a child as they do well, in blind trust that their needs will be met and that they will migrate into their best life at the best place at all times in the perfect season. Just carry on today and don’t strain so hard.” It hits my Type A right where it hurts. The tension and strain in my body suddenly makes itself felt.

Inevitably accepting God’s direction results in a sigh and release. He has shown me, once again, that being co-Creator doesn’t mean running ahead in exuberance and enthusiasm. It means a lot of listening, observing- just as I did with Jane under the Mulberry tree that summer’s day. It means living at times without obvious creating…just living and being in love with the life that is mine now. Just being in the now.

God is right. I have been asking to get more guidance, to not waste time and energy pursuing dreams and visions that seem to present themselves with remarkable ease lately piling up on top of each other so that it’s clear, one person couldn’t possibly fulfill all these different life options. Being co-Creator with God is good. Stressing about it is not. Living like the child, in the moment in blind trust is God’s call to me. I will trust that life will all turn out okay, even when we are in a deep recession with no end in sight and retirement funds have been diminished so greatly and the world is not in peace and I fear for my grandchildren’s world…there are a million other cares I could record. We live in stressful times in an increasingly uncertain world.

It is these times I flee to the world of nature (which is at its heart, the world of a child…) and the deep peace it embodies despite the constant threat from predators, from man. Life synchronized to God’s heart is full of images of blind trust. The evidence of it is ultimately joy, laughter, lightness and living in the moment with all senses serving as ministers to our souls. Our eyes are open. We hear, and everything speaks; the resonating blade of grass as it responds to the rustle of a slight wind. We smell freshness in the air and taste the tang of a salt breeze. We feel the release of tension, of fear, of the man-made responsibility of having to know where we’re going. For a moment we understand again how it is to be 8, and feel the lightness and joy. We feel our immense inner knowing, our great childish wisdom as we practice without even realizing it…blind trust.
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When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

~From The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry.

Living to Support the Matrix’s Core

The chief end of man is to glorify God and love Him forever.

If I have achieved that at the end of my time on earth, no matter what material accomplishments I attained, no matter what professional designations filled the space behind my name, I will have lived with a precision and success seldom attained.
Once we have determined what the end game goal is, we move back into the present moment and use our time and energy to align with the goal we will work steadily toward. I notice that when we are on vacation, we slow down to the point of stillness. We rest, recuperate, refuel and inside of that experience we are seeking to hear God’s direction for our lives. Sometimes there is a sense of restlessness, low grade depression, discomfort, dis-peace that follows us from home. Those are the times that God will speak into with the most clarity if we but “be still and know that I am God”.

Everyone is going to have different pathways, but mine is to achieve this stillness on our times away. The stillness needs to be incorporated daily into my life and it is to a certain extent, but running a large house and working leaves less time for the amount of stillness I achieve here effortlessly. Since such great revelations and guidance comes from the quiet times, the times when my schedule isn’t the main focus, I have determined that my matrix’s core: to glorify God and love Him forever, will best be met by more retreating.

We have established our main residence in the Pacific Northwest as a retreat, naming it Adytum which means “the sanctuary” in Greek. Interestingly, this sanctuary spoken of is not one entered into by doors, like a cathedral. Instead, its “walls” are breached by Spirit alone as we enter into the sacred space of our heart to meditate in secret with God. But even retreats have to be maintained.

Part of the clarity we have received on this time away in Zihuatanejo, Mexico holds the concept that intentionally creating sacred space by buying a villa here or somewhere similar will allow us more time to fulfill the destiny callings we each possess and live with more focus on God. This place that is taking shape in my imagination is of adequate size. Not too small and not too large. It has no need of equipment like dishwashers and vacuums. It is easily maintained with a broom and dustpan, a dish rack and some simple methods. It is shuttered against the heat of the day, and opened at other times to fresh ocean air. We hear the surf and the birds, and have luscious mango, papaya, banana and coconut palms in our yard. We have a few bikes and walk to most places using a small car only occasionally to explore further when we feel so inclined.

Since my most productive ministering to God occur while walking, this dream place to support my Matrix’s core has room to roam in solitude, or along the edges of the surf in walking meditation. Since my most productive writing, feeling channeled by God, occurs in the early morning I structure my days to accommodate hearing from Him and putting fingers to keyboard to record His mind.

In the past I have seen Donn, God and myself in the tidal blending of the infinity symbol, the laying on the side “lazy eight” figure. Now I realize something….that the subordinate ends to the main Matrix’s goals may indeed be intertwined within the core area itself. I am thinking of health. Attaining perfect health largely by two methods: stress reduction and adherence to a Mediterranean diet and lifestyle of moderate walking. The health is fed by the spirit and the spirit is nurtured by excellent health.

In this point of view, having our simple home in Mexico or another locale for a few months of the year when the weather is dark and cold at Adytum is not a decision based on being a “snow bird” as the world would say. First and foremost, it nurtures our core Matrix making ourselves more available to enjoy and love God.

Secondly, if we are seeking to build the structural integrity of our bodily temple to continue to be of service to God for fulfilling our subordinate goals off the main Matrix’s core, then choosing a lifestyle that supports health is essential. So many of my days are spent with a very real sense of “hurry” and the underlying feelings of “overwhelm” and stress that is created. This lifestyle will not nurture my core matrix’s goals. Yes, I can still have communion with God, and I do. I can still have health, and I do. But it is not in the balance I see most beneficial to advancing both my increasing focus on God and increasing the function and structure of my physical body which houses the Temple of God, my interior sanctuary/Adytum.
God has made us aware on this trip that things that look like more acquisition in the world’s eyes can be of an entirely different nature in His perspective. We added more points to be able to use our timeshare more. More time to hear God, to love and glorify Him. More time to nurture our immune systems with additional vitamin D and de-stressing in our daily shore side walks that lead to swimming in the surf; greater health and de-stressing, achieving relaxation and unity with nature and God.
Later perhaps He will show us the place we can enjoy these attributes and use our subordinate talents to love our community, to serve and fulfill the separate destiny callings He has entrusted us both with individually and as a couple. Meantime, we have created by the additional points, more opportunity to have a greater “pie share” going toward meaningful living by committing to more retreats away.
We understand how asset redistribution must support the core Matrix’s goals of glorifying God and loving Him forever. In other words, using a balanced amount of assets for our spiritual development and enrichment versus using those same assets for income production. For us, this will play out in buying a vacation home in a foreign locale instead of turning that property that is fueling this purchase power into an apartment or duplex with all that additional care and attention required.
I see clearly now that every financial decision will most certainly be referenced against the core desire of the Matrix. There would be nothing wrong with increasing rental holdings but for this phase of our asset redistribution, our spiritual needs and our health needs take supremacy. Income will be generated from another segment of asset redistribution.

This way of living naturally promotes essential balance. It feeds the areas of our life that have eternal value, for when we die our assets do not follow. Using our assets to build the areas that do follow our spirit into life in the heavenly realm is the best possible stewardship. Frankly, I have not heard this taught but it may be out there as a teaching. We are taught to invest in widows and orphans in their distress, to give a tithe of ten percent or more. But I don’t recall being taught to structure our assets to support the chief end of man: Glorifying God and loving Him forever. The direction we have received from God on this trip to Mexico has achieved this insight through the faithful instruction of the Holy Spirit into our quiet space we created for His voice to be heard.