Some years ago I wrote about creating my Matrix- the core
around which I keep my life centered, balanced and productive. The Matrix is what stands if every single
thing was stripped away, and would still ensure a rich, deep and meaningful
life. The Matrix means I can lose my family, my health, my home, my businesses
and I can still be productive, useful and have a rich, meaningful life. I can
say this because it’s rooted within- in the Adytum- the secret place of the
heart where there are no doors that open to that sanctuary as it’s entered into
by the door of the human spirit.
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| Rembrandt's "Philosopher in Meditation" |
We were in Zihuatanejo, Mexico on an Optometry continuing
education trip several years ago. I had the mornings to myself to walk the
quiet beach- only a few net fishermen out, and then come back to write while Donn was
getting smarter in 4 hours of class daily. This was the beach that had a
crocodile lounging at one end with its baby, and there were snakes that swam
with me in the water. No wonder it was fairly deserted! The croc was bad
enough, but imagine my surprise finding those “octopuses” were snakes (I need
some new snorkel gear evidently)…Leopard snakes- non-poisonous, so I swam as
the water was addicting and warm. And yes, I’d do it again….
On off-time under the warm Mexican sun, Donn had been
working on books that discussed the concept of the glory of God- that WE are God’s glory and that it is the whole purpose of man; “the chief end of man”- to
glorify God by our life and our words of praise, appreciation and gratitude. That
is the essence of a life: To glorify our Creator.
It’s not enough to have been a good wife,
although that’s part of it. It’s not to have been a good mother, but that’s part
of it. It’s not to have started and run
successful businesses, although that’s a part of it. It’s not to have
volunteered hours of time and energy to a non-profit, but that’s a part of it…It’s
not to have loved each guest that came our way, but that’s part of it…
If each of those things (identities) were stripped away, I
could still create a life of deep value and meaning by appreciating God and
living in ways that brought pleasure to Him and consequently increasing unity
with Him by living in those ways that make Him happy.
We’d been talking about this concept on this vacation and
the concept of creating our own Matrix – or core values -emerged. In other
words, if everything was stripped away, as is happening to one of my friends
right now who lost his home of 15 years in prime real estate territory, then
went bankrupt, only to then lose his wife - what matters after all that? Can
there still be meaning to life or do we just throw in the towel and ‘off’
ourselves figuring we’ve nothing at all to live for?
Out of the center Matrix springs forth all other pursuits
and directions of our lives. God is at the center for me, and next, one another
and family and then our ‘selves’. From there our businesses and charity focuses
where we spend time and money serving. Because Donn and I both have chosen a
path of service for our professions, business and charity work are really all
lumped together into a path of love and service.
That is a vastly trimmed down synopsis. Each area has a list
that correlates- for instance it expands like this: God is at the center of the Matrix (if I lost
everything I would still have this Constant). I desire to know Him, love Him (glorify
Him) with all my heart, mind and soul, to do His will, to be called ‘His friend’
with great intimacy, to walk with Him, to use my gifts, talents and prayer in
wise stewardship.
Each area of my Matrix gives details in an expanded fashion
about how I intend to express that core influence in how I want to live my life
with intention, purpose and firm direction with my spouse, self, family and
business/community/World service. Having a concept is meaningless unless we
find ways to live it out in our lives.
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| Jackie and Kat, One Year Post Terminal Cancer Diagnosis for My Overcoming Sister |
When my sister received her diagnosis of terminal cancer (double
breast to liver to bone) in 2011 that gave her 3 weeks to live- a diagnosis she
is overcoming even now a year later, I wrote the following thoughts that
evening when the news was fresh and my heart was torn open. My dad was in the
hospital at the same time and it appeared both would die soon. Writing this
piece- not poetry really but with the insight of poetry – helped me to see the
end game very clearly and what mattered when our time was suddenly ‘up’.
My friend and mentor always says, “Start from the end result
and work backwards, prioritizing as you go…” The Matrix does just that and when
I begin to lose my way, veer off course, divert from my life’s path, lose my
focus and intensity- I return to the Matrix, my North Star, My ‘Constant’ in a
World of constant change and I am back on track again.
It is so easy to get
off center, isn’t it? It is a slow drift into ineffectiveness or passivity or
impotence where we once were powerful. Our lives are still good. They just aren’t
great. There’s nothing like a disaster, or several,
or a ‘hard word’ like “you have terminal
cancer and have three weeks to live” to snap you back to what the real meaning
and purpose of your time on this Earth is. This is my mentor’s concept in
action…whittling Life with all its busyness and demands and fatigue back down to
the Core- the Matrix.
The Vibration of Death
When our
vitality fades
When our spark
struggles to stay alight
Will anything
matter but the Matrix*?
“World power
means nothing
Only the
unsayable jeweled inner life matters” (Rumi)
And how we’ve
loved, cared for and supported others.
What we leave
them of lands, houses and possessions
Crumble in the
hands as a phantom.
The imperishable
soul Jewels set into the clasp of our heart
Are the rainbow
of their vibration, light and transcendence that endure forever.
Train yourself
to raise yourself to the vibration of death…
The intense,
deep, penetrating march toward Reality
Will ground you
into the fertile soil of that Truth
That All is
illusion, distraction…except Love.
And the wise
among us are those who know Focus.
Train yourself
to number your days.
Accept that “it
is always later than you think”.
Take action now,
do not delay.
One strong word
can remove your options in a moment’s time.
*(My matrix is the core –
Glorifying God -around which my life revolves)
We can determine our Matrix, or not. We can choose to
reference back continually to it, or not. We can live our lives with focus and
steely determination, or not. We have control by the power of our choice. And
to express a non-choice, in other words, assuming we’ll live forever and never
taking time to make this time on Earth worthwhile eternally, is of course ours
to choose too.
Personally, I’ve always lived with an urgency taking nothing
for granted about my longevity- not good genes or bad, not insurance lifespan
tables for healthy non-smoking women - nothing is assumed. I do my part, and I
do it very well, in the stewardship of my temple/body and that is all I can do.
My lovely grandmother died after predicting her own death in a very casual
statement, “If I live another year” in her diary at age 36. At age 37 she died of
melanoma in her leg in an era of not showing legs to the sun. She was the
mother of 7; her youngest just 2 months old when she died. Who would’ve written
the story of her life that way? We can’t assume anything but only prepare by
living backwards.
Were my life to end today I can say that I fulfilled my
Matrix and my life has been profitable to God because I recognized early on He
needed relationship with me and I gave myself – control of my life -to Him
unreservedly. I found out what He wanted and I gave it to Him as we do in any
good love relationship. We want to make the other One happy. And as I look at
my life…He reciprocates so well…
But really, He gave Himself to me first. My favorite
Psalm is 139. I had a rough start in life. He was there, protecting me, when I
was just an embryo in my mother’s womb. Someone has set this Psalm to You Tube
with visuals:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TddCILTWNr8 It’s a little slower than I’d have done it,
but still the visuals bring it home to me. I still happen to like the words of King
David much better and have much of it memorized now but the video was nice too
because we were all that embryo once- hard to imagine we will go from that to…end
game thus, the Matrix.
As we evolve through our various phases of life, if it is
to have meaning, we must determine to be concentrated in our affinities, to
stay true to the course that is our own Matrix and when we deviate from our
true Path revisit our Matrix as though we were the One to receive the strong,
horrible words, “You have three weeks to live.”
Along the way, we can continue to open our heart to Love.
Matrixes have a way of being self-limiting in some respects. We’ve met those
people. The word “legalist” comes to mind. What a turn off. They seem unbalanced. Maybe that’s why Paul
told the Corinthians that if we don’t come from heart, from a place of love,
then it’s all meaningless babble and distortion. Find your Matrix and infuse it with heart and you will live a
life of meaning.
Let me leave you with this, written before the Matrix
experience or before the Vibration of Death thoughts. It’s really all about
what fuels our life~ the Matrix.
POSSESSION
It’s not what we possess that is of value
But the energies, the passion that possess us-
The drive for beauty and creation….
The quest for knowledge and wisdom………..
The growing path of understanding and compassion…….
The acts of love we are a witness and a channel to…………………
Surrendering to these forces of perpetual, eternal value
That they may possess us greater still.
Kat Carroll
"When the saintly Brother Lawrence (Practicing the Presence of God fame) was dying, somebody asked him what he was doing. Without hesitation Brother Lawrence simply said, "I'm just doing what I've been doing for 40 years and expect to be doing throughout eternity,"
"What's that?" the person inquired.
"Worshiping God."
As far as Brother Lawrence was concerned, dying was secondary, just an item on his agenda. His occupation (Matrix) was worshiping God above and before all other things. Facing death did not change that.
